((Icly this is a letter that was written to her son, left sealed for him with the Children of Gaia when she originally left him at 4 Hills, to be given to him when he changes if she was not able to come back for him at any point. As she now has her son back it is unlikely that the letter will ever be seen.))
I am writing this for you so that you can perhaps get some understanding of where you came from. I have little idea how you must feel about me, the mother who broke the litany to produce you and then abandoned you. I figure I at least owe you some information on who I am and how you came to be, perhaps with that you may some day forgive me for the situation I have left you in.
I was born in Anchorage and named Kelda Emma Hansson by my parents. My mother was Garou, my father was Kin, though I grew up being very unaware of that, I was only aware that my mother was gone often and I saw her few times during the year, my father raised me almost entirely. He teaches English at the University of Alaska and has one of the best minds I have ever encountered. He taught me many things, how to think before acting and speaking, how to see things rationally and from more than one perspective. Things that helped me a great deal when I became Garou as I has born under the half moon, a Philodox or as my tribe calls us, Forseti. From my mother I learned how to survive outdoors and something of how to fight as well as how to look after myself for she certainly saw little enough of me to be much more than a distant figure for most of my early life. Sometimes I will admit that I resented her for it, though only until my change for after that I understood much better what had motivated her to do so.
My first change came upon me when I was 19 years of age and attending university, the same one my Father taught at. Amusingly, I was studying law there, the subject having always held a fascination for me though I did not know why that was, a manifestation of what Luna had marked me for I suppose. The change came upon me in an argument with my father, I cannot even recall what it was about now, probably nothing particularly bad, frustration and general anger boiling over I suppose. I was lucky I did not kill him when I lost control, but he knew how to handle himself and managed somehow to subdue me and to contact my mother through means she had left for him knowing that she would come to get me and help me through what happened next.
The time I spent as a cub was not pleasant. The Fenrir do not tolerate weakness and they can be quite ruthless to those who may seek to join the tribe, as one of Fenrir blood I was tested constantly. I was insulted, taunted and bullied, told that I was weak and inferior and would never be worthy of becoming a Get of Fenris. This only served to harden my determination to prove them wrong, I fought tooth and nail to do my best and excel at anything they threw at me. I will not bother to relate the tale of my Rite of Passage, it does little to explain about my life.
All I will say is that I passed and I was accepted into the Fenrir and given the name Seeks the Truth. I was soon after accepted into a Fenrir pack, though I should say that the Sept was not one of all Fenrir but a mix, though it had quite a large contingent of Fenrir there. My alpha in the pack was an Ahroun by the name of Aidan Edwards “Courage of Ten, Runs the Wyrm Down” who was at the time newly a Fostern and a few years my elder, though with more years of experience as a Garou than I had, I was 20 at that time, he was 24. We got on from the moment we met and I found that I fit into the pack perfectly, they had been missing a Philodox and I seemed to bring the balance they lacked.
Over the four years I ran with the pack, which followed Fenris himself, I grew ever closer to Aidan, for a long time I believed it was simply a feeling of admiration for his skills as both Ahroun and leader, but slowly I realised that it ran deeper than that. This troubled me, but I convinced myself that as I had no intention of telling him of my feelings, nor of acting on them or asking him how he felt about me, it did not affect me. I was wrong, it already had. I found it impossible to take a Kin as a mate, without an attachment of the heart, without having someone to be my equal and stand with me, I just could not do it. I found those with whom I could relieve some tension, but I never took a true mate and did my best to ensure I would not get with child. You are probably wondering now if Aidan was your father and how you came to be, I will tell you that tale, of how I broke the litany and conceived you, of the events that led to your birth and your stay in Four Hills.
There had been rumours of odd Black Spiral Dancer movements in the regions near the caern and our pack was asked by the Sept leaders to investigate and report back. We headed out to do so and what we found was strong evidence of a planned attack on not only our own Sept, but another not that far distant and we understood that we had to get back to warn them what was going on. The Spirals found us though and attacked. Aidan and I were the only survivors and we barely got away, being hunted by the Spirals as we tried to make it back to the territory controlled by the Sept.
We managed to find refuge in a cave, hiding there while we planned what to do next. We both agreed that at least one of us had to get back to warn the Sept of the danger. He tried to convince me that I stood the better chance, that he could distract and fight the Spirals while I ran for it. This sounded wrong to me, he was a fully trained Ahroun and much more likely to survive to make it through to the Sept than I was and I told him so, loudly and we argued, I did not understand why he seemed so determined to see me live. In anger he turned and touch my cheek, staring with an intense look of a sort I had never seen him with, looking troubled and torn and he told me that he could not bear to see me die. My heart caught in my throat and I could not speak, the moment seemed to stretch on forever and then he kissed me. I cannot excuse what happened after, we lost ourselves in our emotions, forgetting for a time the Litany and all that endangered us. That night is burned into my memory like a firebrand, in some ways I treasure it as a brief moment of happiness spent with the man I loved and considered my equal in many ways, in others it is a reminder of my shame, of the breach of the Litany I hold so dearly.
Of course we had no idea then what our night of passion had conceived, we had more pressing matters to worry about. When dawn came we decided to split up and try and work our way back to the Sept separately in the hope that one of us would get through. We vowed not to speak of what had happened, I do not think either of us really knew how to deal with it.
I can barely remember many details of the nightmarish journey I made back to the Sept, with the Spirals dogging my heels. They almost caught me three times and I cannot recall how I managed to get away. All I know is that I made it back, wounded but alive and in time to tell the Sept about the attack. Aidan also made it back, we were both lucky in that regard. He then chose to take the news to the other Sept in order to warn them about it.
We were preparing for the attack for a full month, time enough as what the Spirals were planning was a large scale assault. It was also time enough for me to realise that something was wrong, when I understood what it was I will admit that my heart froze. I did not know what to do, my Philodox nature told me I should come clean and admit the truth and submit us both to the judgement of my tribe and it was then you could say I made another mistake for I found that I could not do it, not for my sake, but for his. Aidan was an excellent Ahroun and a superb leader with a great future ahead of him, he was Adren at that point. I loved him and I did not want to be part of causing him so much strife. So I left.
Abandoning the Sept at that time could be seen as a terrible thing, but knowing I was pregnant meant I knew I could be of a lot less aid now and the longer I stayed the more likely it was that they would discover what had happened. For his sake I left and travelled north, finding my way to the Sept of Four Hills. The Children of Gaia there helped me through my pregnancy and also through your birth, without them I would likely have died and you along with me. I owe them a great debt, they also agreed to take you and raise you, though that goes against what my tribe teaches, the mother of a metis usually raises her child as a punishment for the crime. I did what I did to protect your father, I figured that the Fenrir might come looking for me and if they found you they could find out your lineage and then your father and I could not cope with that.
Do not think that the Children of Gaia let me go unpunished. At that time I had only recently managed to achieve Adren rank, this was stripped from me in punishment for my actions, though the Children did not press me regarding your father when I was reluctant to speak of it. Once you were born and settled though I did not feel I could stay there for the reasons I have already tried to explain to you, so I will be leaving, though of course to you this has already happened. I do intend to come back for you, perhaps in a year or so, once my tribe has come and gone and perhaps will leave me in peace. It is not that I do not want you because you are metis, always remember that my crimes are not yours. If you seek the Fenris you will find that they will give you a chance based on your abilities, that is not to say they will not be harsh to you, but they will not be moreso than they are to any other Garou.
If you are reading this then either circumstances prevented me from returning to you or perhaps I died before I could do so, whatever happened I hope perhaps you can forgive me for my sins and giving in to a weaknesses of character. I have left you enough information to find your father should you wish to do so, I would ask you to remember that he may know nothing of your existence so be careful how you approach it.
Other than that, no matter if you were born of the fault of two Garou, you were born of a proud heritage and my love and thoughts go with you. If I am dead then perhaps if I am lucky my spirit will watch over you as you grow into what I hope will be a great Garou.